4th.

1. Fishing. Lots of it. Caught some perch and some sunfish.
2. Playing. Lots of it – the dog mostly. Until he passed out.
3. Friends. New ones. Dad’s buddies from NoDak came by for a few days and we all had a blast. Serg even got his first motorcycle ride.
4. Food. Too much – but beer can chicken will always be amazing.
5. Fireworks. Watch ‘em over the lake. It was perfect.

PLAYGROUND.

Ha! Check it. My tiny little ‘feature’ in PLAYGROUND magazine has arrived!
Mmmm free advertising!





The orders should start pouring in any minute now... aaaaaaany minute now… any… minute… now…

Here’s hoping!

Glam.

Does anyone know who Ne-Yo* is? How about The New Standards**. How about the Surprise Special Guest***? Because they are performing at Glamorama this year, and being the avid supporter of the place I work, I need to promote this. It’s a great show, and if you can afford it, the after-party is amazing. You should come. Seriously. I’ll be there.

---

*Seriously. I have no idea who he is. But I guess he is super famous or something.
**I know this one!
***I don’t know this one. So don’t ask. It’ll be announced later. Just buy tickets.

Laughing.

I have Regina Spektor’s new single stuck in my head. It’s really depressing. Not helping, Regina. Not helping.

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for
No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes

No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

Mute.

I’ve wanted to write something thoughtful for quite sometime, but I fear that I can’t.

Instead you get this.

I have been dealing with a lot of crippling depression these past two weeks or so that is really affecting my life. All I want to do is sleep. All I look forward to each day is going home because I have 1,000 things to do, yet when I get there, my motivation is so low, I just sit on my couch and stare at the wall. The things I look forward to seem mundane and pointless to me right now… And I can’t explain why.

Normally when my depression comes back, I just shrug it off and move on. Since I was 12, I’ve learned how to deal with the bad days, the worse days, and the ‘I can’t even get out of bed’ days… but normally they don’t last for more that a few days anymore.

I know there are things I’m not dealing with. I’m not dealing with financial issues. Both cards are finally paid off, so maybe if I can keep any cash on hand I can start paying my mom back… In the mean time, I am trying to decide if I should switch to one-ply toilet paper for now, and maybe that sale on frozen pizzas will get me through to the next paycheck so that I can pay rent. I’m not struggling. I just don’t have any extra money. At all. Which makes a lot of things difficult, since a lot of the things that get me out of the house to ‘cure’ my depression cost money.

I’m not dealing with Sergey leaving in August. I keep telling myself it won’t be as bad as we think, but every time I try to figure out a way to get out there sooner rather than later, I’m thwarted. I have no money. The national unemployment rate is at 10.2%. I can’t afford my health insurance, or my car insurance, let alone to pay rent with him there. It would be ludicrous to leave a good, well-paying job right now… But my problems aside, thinking about what life is going to be like with him 1400 miles away just plain sucks.

I’ll send him care packages. I’ll visit. I’ll save every thing I can save. I’ll call/text/write him constantly… but it’s still not a body next to mine. A hand on mine. Lips on mine. I know I’m not dealing with this at all. And I only have a few weeks left.

I’m not dealing with Etsy. Sales are slow and I need money. I have a magazine article I’m in coming out this week, and not to mention the possibility of a wholesale deal… but it’s incredibly hard to stay motivated when you’re depressed and there is no benefit.

I’m having nightmares. I have nightmares I am being attacked. I have nightmares I am trying to escape terrorist attacks. I have nightmares that I am trying to save my family from tornadoes. I can’t sleep at night.

I need to write in a real journal again. This online BS is never as honest as we all pretend it is. No matter how much you write, you’re always writing for someone else on a blog. I need to start writing for me again.

I just need to feel better.

I talked to Serg a lot about this on a walk in the sweltering heat yesterday, and it helped… But that 'I’m smiling, but my eyes are staying mute' feeling just won’t go away.

It’ll pass. I know. It’s just really hard right now.